Day 15

Today is an angry day.  When I get angry I shut down.  Ball my fists up, cry and break things.

When are things going to start turning around?  I feel like a walking train wreck and I am SO tired of it.  I am beyond sick of being sick.  Issue after issue...  Through this whole process I have been a walking statistic.  If something can go wrong, it's going to.  That is where my head is at.

When I see someone in public being entirely too impatient with a small child I just want to walk up and SHAKE the parent.  Yell at them in their moment of failure with such a precious gift.  Because they have no idea what it's like for the chance to mess up to be gone.

I struggle so much with what the right decisions would have been for handling her life and death.  Holding her in my arms and attempting to get her lifeless body back into the clear hospital baby bed...  Singing to her...  Is having held her in my arms what is making this all so difficult?  Or would I feel just as lost having not done any of those things?

One in five women will apparently experience a pregnancy loss.  "Try to see the good in it."  What in the hell does that even mean?

Things Paige taught me:

• I have room in my <broken> heart for more than one child.
• Dan's dedication to me is more fierce than I ever could have imagined.
• A "special needs child" is just as beautiful and special as a healthy one...

But wouldn't I have eventually learned at least those first two with time?

Angry.  Today is an angry day.