Relationship Hell

As Dan is out at the grocery store (it's 11pm) to get me something to help deal with my most recent physical ailment - I continue to read story after story of horrible relationship on Facebook.  As a part of so many mommy groups, it is all too common to read the "latest update" as to what someone's "shit husband" has done as of late (and I've totally been the one ranting).  It occurs to me that somehow being in a relationship with someone who speaks my love language and gives me the things that I need to feel love in a relationship has somehow made me a cynic.

Anyone in older generations will simply tell you that it is what it is and it's because of our generation's "instant gratification" notion that so many marriages fail in our society.  But really, I'm wondering that it isn't so much more?  I have so many single friends in their early 30s brig pressured by their parents to "settle down" and "have kids".  But honestly?  I half envy those friends who have taken the time to get to know who they are and what they deserve before "settling" with anything less.

I need so much to feel loved.  I need to hear it and be shown it pretty much constantly.  I had always thought that it was impossible to get that, but apparently it is all about love languages.  Figuring out which ones you require and which ones you speak...  Finding someone who fits in those with common interests and building from there.  Aside from all of that I honestly have never had such an amazing friendship with anyone I have ever been intimately involved with until now...  Game changer!

Someone who isn't used to opening up about his feelings yet has no issues sharing them with me.  Who will talk out the smallest insecurity weighing on either of our minds until it's a non-issue because its what we need to do to keep this "tell each other everything" bond going.

For those of you who know what we've been going through lately, you know that it's been pure hell.  Something most couples never dream they ever have to go through, and I pray that none of you ever do...  I'm just so thankful that I have the right person by my side to get through it.  Because I have to tell you, he has gone above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  All while dealing with his own form of grief.  If I had any doubts of his devotion to me before...  They are so far gone.

So my point I guess is don't settle.  Do what makes you happy and do it now.  Don't drag it out unless you're both 100% committed to fixing it and making it work.  And I promise you, that will require at least one of you to change if it's not currently working.  If I had known 10 years ago what I have learned in less than a year about love...  It is about compromise, and doing things for the other person when you don't feel like it, and communication...  But it starts with a strong base of friendship and that the other person is even capable of giving you what you need.  Without it you'll just spend years going around in circles wondering what you could do differently.

And to that effect - if you are the one who needs to change, commit to it.  It takes what?  40 days of doing something continuously to make it a habit?!  So if your spouse/significant other asks you to do something important to them, you do it.  And however you remember to complete a task - you do it every day until it becomes a habit.  And you continue to do it because that's what is important to them.

Things I Wish People Would Stop Saying…

1. “I know how hard this must be.”  No you don’t.  You don’t have a single clue what I’m going through.  Even if you’ve been through what I’m going through, it’s not the same and therefore you have absolutely no idea how hard this is.  You have no idea how hard it is to make the decision to get out of bed every day because there is a family relying on me.  Because there is a little girl who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on inside of your broken heart who needs her diaper changed, to be fed breakfast, but most of all who just flat out needs her mommy.
2. “Isn’t there something they can give you?”  I have a prescription of Ambien for when I absolutely can’t sleep.  I think I”ve taken it three times since I’ve come home.  How is taking something to numb the pain going to get me through the grieving process any faster?  I honestly don’t see how it can.  Please stop trying to shove pills down my throat.  It’s not a coping mechanism for me.
3. “You look great.”  No, actually.  I don’t.  Thanks for trying to make me feel better.  It’s not working.
4. “Are you alright?” See three.  No.  I’m not alright.  I’m not okay.  I’m not fine.  I don’t look like I’m doing great.

I literally think the only right thing you can say to someone who is grieving is “I’m so sorry.” and “There are no words”.  There’s no consoling.  There is support and letting someone know that you’re there for them IF AND WHEN they want to talk to you.

Day 15

Today is an angry day.  When I get angry I shut down.  Ball my fists up, cry and break things.

When are things going to start turning around?  I feel like a walking train wreck and I am SO tired of it.  I am beyond sick of being sick.  Issue after issue...  Through this whole process I have been a walking statistic.  If something can go wrong, it's going to.  That is where my head is at.

When I see someone in public being entirely too impatient with a small child I just want to walk up and SHAKE the parent.  Yell at them in their moment of failure with such a precious gift.  Because they have no idea what it's like for the chance to mess up to be gone.

I struggle so much with what the right decisions would have been for handling her life and death.  Holding her in my arms and attempting to get her lifeless body back into the clear hospital baby bed...  Singing to her...  Is having held her in my arms what is making this all so difficult?  Or would I feel just as lost having not done any of those things?

One in five women will apparently experience a pregnancy loss.  "Try to see the good in it."  What in the hell does that even mean?

Things Paige taught me:

• I have room in my <broken> heart for more than one child.
• Dan's dedication to me is more fierce than I ever could have imagined.
• A "special needs child" is just as beautiful and special as a healthy one...

But wouldn't I have eventually learned at least those first two with time?

Angry.  Today is an angry day.