Grief is in FACT Cyclical.

I remember picking up the pieces.  I remember having hours and then days of time where I didn’t break down and cry.  Things were getting “better” and my life was finally moving on.  What a sick and cruel joke.

2.5 months after we lost Paige, I was faced with our first big social event.  A wedding.  Despite being so excited for the couple I remember dreading the actual day.  Dreading what I knew would be me ignoring a pregnant friend, dreading the happiness, just not wanting to go.  I’m pretty sure I made the argument to Dan on more than one occasion but it was me who finally decided that we would be there to celebrate with the happy couple.

And then I remember lying on our hotel floor.  Unable to respond to any of his pleas for me to say something.  To take more breaths than what I was taking…  Anything.  I’m not sure of the real start of that low point but I could no longer claim that I was getting “better” and or moving on.

Seemingly over night I had slipped back into the utter all encompassing sadness of my grief.  I would come to hysterics again at the mention of a babe.  Within five minutes of meeting with my OB to get a referral to therapy, I was having drugs shoved at me.  No thank you.  I want to make this very clear, it’s not that I’m against anyone taking drugs to help regulate whatever it is that they’re dealing with.  It’s just that it isn’t for me.

That very week I started weekly therapy sessions.  As time went on I started to feel better and thought about the pain less and less.  That isn’t to say that I wasn’t still thinking about Paige every single day because I did, and I still do.  But once again, as soon as I’d deluded myself into thinking that I was okay and that things were moving in the right direction, the holidays hit.  And that same inexplicable grief and depression that hit me Labor Day weekend was back with a vengeance.

I put this out there for you because I find comfort in hearing that I’m not alone.  Neither are you.  I am going to try to start writing more.  For all of our benefits.

It’s been too long…

I have probably started 15 blog drafts in the last 2 months.  As I’m sure you have noticed, none of them have made it to publishing.  I’m going to stop doing that.  I’m going to stop trying to come up with something specific to write about and I’m just going to write.  Before I explode.

On October 27th we “celebrated” Paige’s due date, if you can call it celebrating.  We each wrote a letter and tied it to a balloon and let it go.  I finally feel like I’m a step closer to “letting go”.  Even though it’s only been 5 months since our loss, I’m convinced this is something that we will never truly get over.  Grief is cyclical, a constant circle of highs and lows…

We also purchased a Japanese Maple Tree in her memory.  It is absolutely gorgeous.

We will be planting it next fall if we are settled into a new home.  It’s a very nice reminder and a place for me to talk to her.  I know that she’s in Heaven but having something here has been extremely helpful.

What else?  We are preparing to plan a 5k for June 13th (the day she was born sleeping) in her memory and to benefit families currently dealing with a loss.  Whether it’s helping them with medical expenses, therapy treatments, etc.  So if you’ve ever planned a 5k or are willing to learn and help, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

There Are No Right Words

I’ve been told quite a bit lately that people are “sorry” they “didn’t call” or “haven’t been in touch” because they “didn’t know what to say”. Let me just take a minute to tell you that it isn’t at all about what you have to say. It’s about being there for a friend when they’re going through a crisis or trauma. It’s about asking them how they’re doing and genuinely listening. More importantly? It’s about making that person laugh. It’s about helping that person get back to living.

That’s right, you don’t need to “say” anything. Because honestly? There are no right words. Most of the time I didn’t, and still don’t want to talk about it at all. There is no magic sentence or paragraph that is going to take the pain away. What I want more than anything is for you to be my friend. I want you to be around the way that you’ve always been and I want you to stop treating me like I have an infectious disease.

Grief is a crazy monster that hits everyone in different ways. But that doesn’t mean that the person close to you has changed so drastically that you no longer know who they are. There are going to be changes, and some of them are going to be significant. There are going to be triggers that make that person sad about what they’re going through… But the important thing for that person to know is that life is going on. I am so much happier when I’m living my life with the two best things that could have ever happened to me than when I’m left to my own devices with my own thoughts while Dan is at work and Magdalene is napping.

It saddens me how many people I have honestly counted out of my close friends lately because they just haven’t been there. Going through something like this teaches you who that close circle in your life really is. So just be there. When you’re thinking about someone going through something tough, who cares if the words aren’t perfect? Let them know you’re thinking of them. I don’t care if it’s a “how are you” text or a funny “meme” to try and make them laugh. Communicate with them on a level that you always have and let them know that <with time> things will get better, life will be back to normal, and that you’ll always be there for them.

If You’re Happy and You Know It…

When I was a senior in high school my grandmother passed away.  She had been one of the biggest influences on the person I had become up until that point.  She had also been very sick for a very long time.  I remember spending Christmas Eve of my 8th grade year visiting her in the ICU.  She’d been that sick at least that long.  I remember feeling sad, and I remember crying a few times when it hit me that she was really gone.  But I don’t remember feeling the way that I feel now.  I remember feeling almost relieved.  Relieved that she was finally with God and that she wouldn’t be suffering anymore.  No more trips to the hospital, no more pain…  Just rest and peace.

I remember feeling sorry for my grandfather.  My grandparents had been together forever and from what I saw my grandmother had always taken care of him.  She’d always done everything inside the house while he’d always taken care of everything outside of it.  It’ll be 10 years in January and from my fresh perspective, my grandfather is still very much grieving over the loss of my grandmother.  In his eyes he is too old to go out and start over, and it seems honestly that his only want at this point is to join her.

It’s thoughts like those that make me wonder where I would be right now without Magdalene.  How I would be getting out of bed every morning if it weren’t for her needing me…

I keep going back and re-reading the stages of grief.  I remember being in denial, I remember being angry…  and now I am stuck in depression with no end of “acceptance” in sight.  Most days I no longer cry…  Now it’s just moody or melancholy or being exhausted for absolutely no reason…  I’d almost rather still be angry.  But that’s just it and why I’m no longer there…  There is nobody for me to be angry at.  No one to “blame” if you will…  My Dad keeps reminding me that we gave her every chance that we could, and he’s right.  That a lot of people wouldn’t have stuck with it and given her any chance at all, and he’s right.  But something in me kept saying “we are choosing life, and surely that means that God will choose life also”.  And he did…  Just not in the way that we had hoped…  Not in the way that made things easier for us.  So who do I possibly have to be angry at?  And so I am stuck in depression…

A maddening, functioning depression where all of my patience goes to a toddler who has no idea what I’m going through.  An “I just want to break down” but I’m being called to dance, or sing Twinkle Twinkle, or to play the drums or build a giant lego tower depression…  An “I’m truly happy for you and your new pregnancy” please let me go and have a nervous breakdown depression…  But again, 10 years later I am convinced that my grandfather is still grieving and unable to move on from the loss of my grandmother…  Where is the acceptance in that?

Thank you for letting me vent, and the mountain of love that you all have shown us.

It’s Been One Month…

It's been a month.  My body has healed and life is moving on.  I don't cry every single day.  I've even stopped getting angry at nothing.  Most days.  But the intense missing you has yet to subside.

I've been told not to think about you, because it will make it easier.  But your Father and I disagree.  You are our baby.  Our perfect, innocent baby.  We will never get to hear you laugh, or cry but that doesn't change our love for you.  We hope you know that.  I will never get frustrated with you because I can't fix it or don't know what's wrong.  I will never be at my wits end because you're testing the limits as your charming sister does most days.  We will never get to experience any of your firsts or tell you how proud of you we are.

If you can see down from where you are you know that we talk about and grieve over you often.  You have made such a difference in our lives.  Your existence has tested us and brought us closer in ways that most couples will never experience.  In ways that I hope other couples never have to experience.

I think about you all of the time.  I wonder what it's like up there and whether or not you will always be so tiny.  I picture your nose and little lips as you slept peacefully in my arms.  While I was so hopeful that you would continue to grace us with your presence, I'm so glad that you never had to suffer.

We would not have been the perfect parents, but I promise that we would have continued to do everything in our power to offer you the world.  Because you deserve that and so much more.  And I need to accept that you have received it.

I am trying so hard to stop being angry at God for taking you from us so quickly.  I know that all of my feelings are selfish, but that doesn't make the missing you any easier to bare.  I had somehow convinced myself in the back of my mind that since we had chosen to give you a chance at this life, that God would make it so.  But I know that isn’t how it works.  That’s not how He works and that wasn’t His plan for you.

Know that I love you with all of my heart, the way that only a mother can and that fact will never change.

Relationship Hell

As Dan is out at the grocery store (it's 11pm) to get me something to help deal with my most recent physical ailment - I continue to read story after story of horrible relationship on Facebook.  As a part of so many mommy groups, it is all too common to read the "latest update" as to what someone's "shit husband" has done as of late (and I've totally been the one ranting).  It occurs to me that somehow being in a relationship with someone who speaks my love language and gives me the things that I need to feel love in a relationship has somehow made me a cynic.

Anyone in older generations will simply tell you that it is what it is and it's because of our generation's "instant gratification" notion that so many marriages fail in our society.  But really, I'm wondering that it isn't so much more?  I have so many single friends in their early 30s brig pressured by their parents to "settle down" and "have kids".  But honestly?  I half envy those friends who have taken the time to get to know who they are and what they deserve before "settling" with anything less.

I need so much to feel loved.  I need to hear it and be shown it pretty much constantly.  I had always thought that it was impossible to get that, but apparently it is all about love languages.  Figuring out which ones you require and which ones you speak...  Finding someone who fits in those with common interests and building from there.  Aside from all of that I honestly have never had such an amazing friendship with anyone I have ever been intimately involved with until now...  Game changer!

Someone who isn't used to opening up about his feelings yet has no issues sharing them with me.  Who will talk out the smallest insecurity weighing on either of our minds until it's a non-issue because its what we need to do to keep this "tell each other everything" bond going.

For those of you who know what we've been going through lately, you know that it's been pure hell.  Something most couples never dream they ever have to go through, and I pray that none of you ever do...  I'm just so thankful that I have the right person by my side to get through it.  Because I have to tell you, he has gone above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  All while dealing with his own form of grief.  If I had any doubts of his devotion to me before...  They are so far gone.

So my point I guess is don't settle.  Do what makes you happy and do it now.  Don't drag it out unless you're both 100% committed to fixing it and making it work.  And I promise you, that will require at least one of you to change if it's not currently working.  If I had known 10 years ago what I have learned in less than a year about love...  It is about compromise, and doing things for the other person when you don't feel like it, and communication...  But it starts with a strong base of friendship and that the other person is even capable of giving you what you need.  Without it you'll just spend years going around in circles wondering what you could do differently.

And to that effect - if you are the one who needs to change, commit to it.  It takes what?  40 days of doing something continuously to make it a habit?!  So if your spouse/significant other asks you to do something important to them, you do it.  And however you remember to complete a task - you do it every day until it becomes a habit.  And you continue to do it because that's what is important to them.

Things I Wish People Would Stop Saying…

1. “I know how hard this must be.”  No you don’t.  You don’t have a single clue what I’m going through.  Even if you’ve been through what I’m going through, it’s not the same and therefore you have absolutely no idea how hard this is.  You have no idea how hard it is to make the decision to get out of bed every day because there is a family relying on me.  Because there is a little girl who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on inside of your broken heart who needs her diaper changed, to be fed breakfast, but most of all who just flat out needs her mommy.
2. “Isn’t there something they can give you?”  I have a prescription of Ambien for when I absolutely can’t sleep.  I think I”ve taken it three times since I’ve come home.  How is taking something to numb the pain going to get me through the grieving process any faster?  I honestly don’t see how it can.  Please stop trying to shove pills down my throat.  It’s not a coping mechanism for me.
3. “You look great.”  No, actually.  I don’t.  Thanks for trying to make me feel better.  It’s not working.
4. “Are you alright?” See three.  No.  I’m not alright.  I’m not okay.  I’m not fine.  I don’t look like I’m doing great.

I literally think the only right thing you can say to someone who is grieving is “I’m so sorry.” and “There are no words”.  There’s no consoling.  There is support and letting someone know that you’re there for them IF AND WHEN they want to talk to you.

Day 15

Today is an angry day.  When I get angry I shut down.  Ball my fists up, cry and break things.

When are things going to start turning around?  I feel like a walking train wreck and I am SO tired of it.  I am beyond sick of being sick.  Issue after issue...  Through this whole process I have been a walking statistic.  If something can go wrong, it's going to.  That is where my head is at.

When I see someone in public being entirely too impatient with a small child I just want to walk up and SHAKE the parent.  Yell at them in their moment of failure with such a precious gift.  Because they have no idea what it's like for the chance to mess up to be gone.

I struggle so much with what the right decisions would have been for handling her life and death.  Holding her in my arms and attempting to get her lifeless body back into the clear hospital baby bed...  Singing to her...  Is having held her in my arms what is making this all so difficult?  Or would I feel just as lost having not done any of those things?

One in five women will apparently experience a pregnancy loss.  "Try to see the good in it."  What in the hell does that even mean?

Things Paige taught me:

• I have room in my <broken> heart for more than one child.
• Dan's dedication to me is more fierce than I ever could have imagined.
• A "special needs child" is just as beautiful and special as a healthy one...

But wouldn't I have eventually learned at least those first two with time?

Angry.  Today is an angry day.

Making Time for Me Time…

It’s to the point right now where I’m literally working so much that any time I get away from my desk must be spent with Maggie.  I feel guilty otherwise.  So I get these three hours each night after she goes to bed for “me time”, and I just wind up working.

Working for a better future for my family, working because of the expectations I have set of myself and have asked my clients to set of me as well…  I have to figure out a way to balance it out even if it means that I don’t take on quite so much business, I suppose…

So therefore I have truly come to the realization that it is time for me to learn to say no.  I know this might sound amusing to some of you who know my “I am going to speak my mind regardless” attitude, but it’s true.  I’m literally incapable of saying no to anyone who requests anything of me.  And while it may seem like a genuinely sincere and fantastic thing…  It’s slowly tearing me apart on the inside.

My New Year’s Resolutions

So how many of you out there haven’t quite decided to make any resolutions?  That’s okay.  I just thought I would write mine down for the whole world to see so that I would be held…  A bit more accountable, if you will.

Last year, I resolved to learn how to make pies.  Silly, right?  Heck no.  Do you know how delicious my homemade apple pies are?  THEY’RE AMAZING.  On top of learning how to make pies I also launched myself head first into the glorious art of cupcakes.  More of you have learned about my amazing cupcake skills than my pie skills, so I wanted to brag about those too.

But 2014 is a year to get more serious, so here it goes…

1. I need to stop worrying.  I am literally going to have a heart attack or an ulcer by the time I am 30 if I do not stop worrying so much about things that I cannot change.  And not only things that I cannot change, but situations that I didn’t create.  What I mean by that is this, if I’m not the one responsible for someone else’s situation – why do I stress so much about coming up with solutions?  It isn’t my fault a person made that life decision.  And if they don’t come to me for a solution, I don’t need to provide one.
2. I need to make more time for people in my life.  I spend so much time worrying and controlling situations that I realize I have phased out most of the people in my life whose friendship may take an effort on my part.  For this I’m very sorry.  I promise to be better about being less of a home body and getting out there and participating in your lives.

So those are my resolutions.  Time to relax and have a bit more fun in 2014.

What are yours?

I Need to Start Writing Again.

So, forget resolutions.  That’s not what this is about.  Also – if you’re thinking that you don’t need to read this blog (men, single, not-mommy friends) you are wrong.  If you know me, you know that I love to write.  You know that I love to write about political ramblings as well as the very mundane nonsense in my life.

But!  Sometimes that nonsense can be exciting.  Exciting and absolutely ridiculous.  So, as always – I will post whenever I have written a blog on Facebook and will try to do better about writing.  Because it really helps me clear this crazy brain wave space.

So let’s see…  Maggie!  I know you all enjoy the photos on Facebook that I post but I want to give you a bit more detail.  This kid…  I don’t even know how to explain it.  It’s so frustrating to me that so many of you haven’t even gotten the chance to meet her yet, and that even more of you don’t get to be here for all of her happening milestones.

She is just too damned funny.  And she knows it.  This child is the definition of a ham.  She says “Cheese” whenever an iPhone camera is pointed at her and will do anything she can to get you to laugh.  Especially when it’s something she shouldn’t be doing, and we therefore shouldn’t be laughing.

She is amazingly intelligent.  It makes me so proud.  She has a ton of words that I won’t bore you with but what gets me more is how quickly she’s picking them up right now.  I say something and she basically repeats it right back to me.  Then I go into the trying to explain what that meant mode.

A lot of the other moms with babies roughly her age are doing scary things like potty training and turning the crib into a toddler bed.  I have to tell you very honestly that while I’m sure Miss Magdalene is ready for either of these changes, that I am not!  I even got her the Minnie Mouse Potty that applauds her when she accomplishes the mission, but…  Yeah.

That’s all I have for now.  I hope that you all had an amazing holiday.  Stay safe, and to my northern friends/family stay warm.  Love you all.