Minimum Wage for Minimum Work

I’m still trying to figure out if the appalling levels of customer service I receive on a consistent basis is because of the following…  A.) I expect too much.  B.) In the south there is a different pace of life than what I am used to C.) People are downright lazy and don’t want to take the blame for anything.  Can you guess which side I tend to fall on?  C.  You are absolutely correct.  Right now we are in the process of minor home renovations to prep our home for the market!  Today we were tackling projects and decided it would be quicker to order everything we needed from Home Depot on line so that we could continue taking all of the hardware out of the bathroom and prepare it for painting while someone else went on to pick up everything we needed for multiple projects.  We’d show up, they’d wheel out our purchase, and we’d come back home and finish.  At least that’s what they advertise…

Everything I’ve read states that they will have everything ready in no more than two hours.  There were other things that needed to be done around the house.  This was supposed to be more convenient…  We get 3% back in Rovia bucks on online purchases….  It just made sense!  Until 2.5 hours later when our order still wasn’t ready.  I called the online shopping service and they placed me on hold while they called the store.  I was told that the order was being pulled and that someone would notify us as soon as it was ready…

After a total of 3 hours and 15 minutes had gone by I decided I would call our local Home Depot directly.  Only to be told that the order had not even been started and that he could either begin pulling the order or he could transfer me to customer service where they could cancel the order but that it could take up to 30 minutes.  30 minutes to walk out and grab a pot and some soil, five rubbermaid totes, a putty knife, a painting sheet and a 40 lb bag of salt.  I literally could have done that in 10 minutes.  After frustratingly explaining to him that I had wasted a good portion of my afternoon with something I could have done by myself in 30 minutes I would be there to get the order…  Because apparently if I canceled the order and then went back and re-purchased everything it could take “several days” to get the money credited back to our account.

My exasperated question is this…  When did it become okay to not offer any reason or apology for not doing what a company states they are going to do?  Why did I have to listen to the lady at the customer service desk tell me that it wasn’t her fault, she just sends someone to get the order after she gets a call from the receiving department?  The call from your corporate headquarters over an hour earlier didn’t prompt that?  We spend a butt ton of money in the Home Depot every single month.  I’ve got the line item in my budget to prove it.  I’m sorry that we aren’t professional contractors but we just dropped $100 in your store and are honestly probably going to do the same exact damn thing next weekend.  How about a little courtesy?  How about a little CUSTOMER SERVICE?  That is your job, after all.  Isn’t it?

Grief is in FACT Cyclical.

I remember picking up the pieces.  I remember having hours and then days of time where I didn’t break down and cry.  Things were getting “better” and my life was finally moving on.  What a sick and cruel joke.

2.5 months after we lost Paige, I was faced with our first big social event.  A wedding.  Despite being so excited for the couple I remember dreading the actual day.  Dreading what I knew would be me ignoring a pregnant friend, dreading the happiness, just not wanting to go.  I’m pretty sure I made the argument to Dan on more than one occasion but it was me who finally decided that we would be there to celebrate with the happy couple.

And then I remember lying on our hotel floor.  Unable to respond to any of his pleas for me to say something.  To take more breaths than what I was taking…  Anything.  I’m not sure of the real start of that low point but I could no longer claim that I was getting “better” and or moving on.

Seemingly over night I had slipped back into the utter all encompassing sadness of my grief.  I would come to hysterics again at the mention of a babe.  Within five minutes of meeting with my OB to get a referral to therapy, I was having drugs shoved at me.  No thank you.  I want to make this very clear, it’s not that I’m against anyone taking drugs to help regulate whatever it is that they’re dealing with.  It’s just that it isn’t for me.

That very week I started weekly therapy sessions.  As time went on I started to feel better and thought about the pain less and less.  That isn’t to say that I wasn’t still thinking about Paige every single day because I did, and I still do.  But once again, as soon as I’d deluded myself into thinking that I was okay and that things were moving in the right direction, the holidays hit.  And that same inexplicable grief and depression that hit me Labor Day weekend was back with a vengeance.

I put this out there for you because I find comfort in hearing that I’m not alone.  Neither are you.  I am going to try to start writing more.  For all of our benefits.

It’s been too long…

I have probably started 15 blog drafts in the last 2 months.  As I’m sure you have noticed, none of them have made it to publishing.  I’m going to stop doing that.  I’m going to stop trying to come up with something specific to write about and I’m just going to write.  Before I explode.

On October 27th we “celebrated” Paige’s due date, if you can call it celebrating.  We each wrote a letter and tied it to a balloon and let it go.  I finally feel like I’m a step closer to “letting go”.  Even though it’s only been 5 months since our loss, I’m convinced this is something that we will never truly get over.  Grief is cyclical, a constant circle of highs and lows…

We also purchased a Japanese Maple Tree in her memory.  It is absolutely gorgeous.

We will be planting it next fall if we are settled into a new home.  It’s a very nice reminder and a place for me to talk to her.  I know that she’s in Heaven but having something here has been extremely helpful.

What else?  We are preparing to plan a 5k for June 13th (the day she was born sleeping) in her memory and to benefit families currently dealing with a loss.  Whether it’s helping them with medical expenses, therapy treatments, etc.  So if you’ve ever planned a 5k or are willing to learn and help, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

There Are No Right Words

I’ve been told quite a bit lately that people are “sorry” they “didn’t call” or “haven’t been in touch” because they “didn’t know what to say”. Let me just take a minute to tell you that it isn’t at all about what you have to say. It’s about being there for a friend when they’re going through a crisis or trauma. It’s about asking them how they’re doing and genuinely listening. More importantly? It’s about making that person laugh. It’s about helping that person get back to living.

That’s right, you don’t need to “say” anything. Because honestly? There are no right words. Most of the time I didn’t, and still don’t want to talk about it at all. There is no magic sentence or paragraph that is going to take the pain away. What I want more than anything is for you to be my friend. I want you to be around the way that you’ve always been and I want you to stop treating me like I have an infectious disease.

Grief is a crazy monster that hits everyone in different ways. But that doesn’t mean that the person close to you has changed so drastically that you no longer know who they are. There are going to be changes, and some of them are going to be significant. There are going to be triggers that make that person sad about what they’re going through… But the important thing for that person to know is that life is going on. I am so much happier when I’m living my life with the two best things that could have ever happened to me than when I’m left to my own devices with my own thoughts while Dan is at work and Magdalene is napping.

It saddens me how many people I have honestly counted out of my close friends lately because they just haven’t been there. Going through something like this teaches you who that close circle in your life really is. So just be there. When you’re thinking about someone going through something tough, who cares if the words aren’t perfect? Let them know you’re thinking of them. I don’t care if it’s a “how are you” text or a funny “meme” to try and make them laugh. Communicate with them on a level that you always have and let them know that <with time> things will get better, life will be back to normal, and that you’ll always be there for them.

If You’re Happy and You Know It…

When I was a senior in high school my grandmother passed away.  She had been one of the biggest influences on the person I had become up until that point.  She had also been very sick for a very long time.  I remember spending Christmas Eve of my 8th grade year visiting her in the ICU.  She’d been that sick at least that long.  I remember feeling sad, and I remember crying a few times when it hit me that she was really gone.  But I don’t remember feeling the way that I feel now.  I remember feeling almost relieved.  Relieved that she was finally with God and that she wouldn’t be suffering anymore.  No more trips to the hospital, no more pain…  Just rest and peace.

I remember feeling sorry for my grandfather.  My grandparents had been together forever and from what I saw my grandmother had always taken care of him.  She’d always done everything inside the house while he’d always taken care of everything outside of it.  It’ll be 10 years in January and from my fresh perspective, my grandfather is still very much grieving over the loss of my grandmother.  In his eyes he is too old to go out and start over, and it seems honestly that his only want at this point is to join her.

It’s thoughts like those that make me wonder where I would be right now without Magdalene.  How I would be getting out of bed every morning if it weren’t for her needing me…

I keep going back and re-reading the stages of grief.  I remember being in denial, I remember being angry…  and now I am stuck in depression with no end of “acceptance” in sight.  Most days I no longer cry…  Now it’s just moody or melancholy or being exhausted for absolutely no reason…  I’d almost rather still be angry.  But that’s just it and why I’m no longer there…  There is nobody for me to be angry at.  No one to “blame” if you will…  My Dad keeps reminding me that we gave her every chance that we could, and he’s right.  That a lot of people wouldn’t have stuck with it and given her any chance at all, and he’s right.  But something in me kept saying “we are choosing life, and surely that means that God will choose life also”.  And he did…  Just not in the way that we had hoped…  Not in the way that made things easier for us.  So who do I possibly have to be angry at?  And so I am stuck in depression…

A maddening, functioning depression where all of my patience goes to a toddler who has no idea what I’m going through.  An “I just want to break down” but I’m being called to dance, or sing Twinkle Twinkle, or to play the drums or build a giant lego tower depression…  An “I’m truly happy for you and your new pregnancy” please let me go and have a nervous breakdown depression…  But again, 10 years later I am convinced that my grandfather is still grieving and unable to move on from the loss of my grandmother…  Where is the acceptance in that?

Thank you for letting me vent, and the mountain of love that you all have shown us.

It’s Been One Month…

It's been a month.  My body has healed and life is moving on.  I don't cry every single day.  I've even stopped getting angry at nothing.  Most days.  But the intense missing you has yet to subside.

I've been told not to think about you, because it will make it easier.  But your Father and I disagree.  You are our baby.  Our perfect, innocent baby.  We will never get to hear you laugh, or cry but that doesn't change our love for you.  We hope you know that.  I will never get frustrated with you because I can't fix it or don't know what's wrong.  I will never be at my wits end because you're testing the limits as your charming sister does most days.  We will never get to experience any of your firsts or tell you how proud of you we are.

If you can see down from where you are you know that we talk about and grieve over you often.  You have made such a difference in our lives.  Your existence has tested us and brought us closer in ways that most couples will never experience.  In ways that I hope other couples never have to experience.

I think about you all of the time.  I wonder what it's like up there and whether or not you will always be so tiny.  I picture your nose and little lips as you slept peacefully in my arms.  While I was so hopeful that you would continue to grace us with your presence, I'm so glad that you never had to suffer.

We would not have been the perfect parents, but I promise that we would have continued to do everything in our power to offer you the world.  Because you deserve that and so much more.  And I need to accept that you have received it.

I am trying so hard to stop being angry at God for taking you from us so quickly.  I know that all of my feelings are selfish, but that doesn't make the missing you any easier to bare.  I had somehow convinced myself in the back of my mind that since we had chosen to give you a chance at this life, that God would make it so.  But I know that isn’t how it works.  That’s not how He works and that wasn’t His plan for you.

Know that I love you with all of my heart, the way that only a mother can and that fact will never change.

Relationship Hell

As Dan is out at the grocery store (it's 11pm) to get me something to help deal with my most recent physical ailment - I continue to read story after story of horrible relationship on Facebook.  As a part of so many mommy groups, it is all too common to read the "latest update" as to what someone's "shit husband" has done as of late (and I've totally been the one ranting).  It occurs to me that somehow being in a relationship with someone who speaks my love language and gives me the things that I need to feel love in a relationship has somehow made me a cynic.

Anyone in older generations will simply tell you that it is what it is and it's because of our generation's "instant gratification" notion that so many marriages fail in our society.  But really, I'm wondering that it isn't so much more?  I have so many single friends in their early 30s brig pressured by their parents to "settle down" and "have kids".  But honestly?  I half envy those friends who have taken the time to get to know who they are and what they deserve before "settling" with anything less.

I need so much to feel loved.  I need to hear it and be shown it pretty much constantly.  I had always thought that it was impossible to get that, but apparently it is all about love languages.  Figuring out which ones you require and which ones you speak...  Finding someone who fits in those with common interests and building from there.  Aside from all of that I honestly have never had such an amazing friendship with anyone I have ever been intimately involved with until now...  Game changer!

Someone who isn't used to opening up about his feelings yet has no issues sharing them with me.  Who will talk out the smallest insecurity weighing on either of our minds until it's a non-issue because its what we need to do to keep this "tell each other everything" bond going.

For those of you who know what we've been going through lately, you know that it's been pure hell.  Something most couples never dream they ever have to go through, and I pray that none of you ever do...  I'm just so thankful that I have the right person by my side to get through it.  Because I have to tell you, he has gone above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  All while dealing with his own form of grief.  If I had any doubts of his devotion to me before...  They are so far gone.

So my point I guess is don't settle.  Do what makes you happy and do it now.  Don't drag it out unless you're both 100% committed to fixing it and making it work.  And I promise you, that will require at least one of you to change if it's not currently working.  If I had known 10 years ago what I have learned in less than a year about love...  It is about compromise, and doing things for the other person when you don't feel like it, and communication...  But it starts with a strong base of friendship and that the other person is even capable of giving you what you need.  Without it you'll just spend years going around in circles wondering what you could do differently.

And to that effect - if you are the one who needs to change, commit to it.  It takes what?  40 days of doing something continuously to make it a habit?!  So if your spouse/significant other asks you to do something important to them, you do it.  And however you remember to complete a task - you do it every day until it becomes a habit.  And you continue to do it because that's what is important to them.